


Memories

by Navyblueyoucallmesexy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, Crying, Dreams vs. Reality, I ruined Donna, Journeys End, Not a lot though, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 01:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5478719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navyblueyoucallmesexy/pseuds/Navyblueyoucallmesexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So the Doctor was wrong (it happens more often than you'd think) and Donna didn't instantly die when she started to remember him. Unfortunately, she's stuck in Chiswick again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This really isn't what I should be writing, but the new John Lewis advert features 'Half The World Away' the Oasis song sung by Aurora and I just couldn't help but think of them both, Ten and Donna. So yeah, its a bit sad.
> 
> #sorrynotsorry

 

The air was crisp and cold, the wind biting at her cheeks as it whipped her auburn hair around her face. Pulling her old coat tightly around her middle, Donna looked across the street where groups of people staggered along into the snow, laughing and shouting. Heels sank into the snow, pasty bare legs turned pink and not one could stand without leaning on another. She was there a few years ago, getting shitfaced at Christmas dos' with her mates from work. Well they weren’t mates, not really. Still, she’d enjoyed herself.

She didn’t enjoy much of anything anymore.

The people across the road had started singing, a lovely rendition of Jiggle Bell Rock, performed by the drunken teachers/receptionists/checkout ladies of Chiswick.

She was important. She’d realized she wasn’t useless. Donnas eyebrows drew together in pain. She used to be important.

Shoving her hands in her pockets to keep them warm, Donna sighed a great white cloud. Her mum had told her to go out this year and have some drinks. Wanting to avoid an argument Donna had left the house, just for a walk around the park. She was worried about her, Donnas mum, like always but this time it was worse. It couldn’t be solved with nagging or a brew. Needless to say Donna'd had a sober Christmas.

The singing became quieter until they’d almost gone from Donnas sight and all she could hear was the crunch of her own boots in the snow. She thanked god she’d put bed socks on this morning, at least her toes were toasty warm. She wondered if this was real snow. Donna rubbed her temple, frowning as a familiar pain swept through her forehead. Bloody headache never went away.

She walked on through the dark, occasionally glancing up at the twinkling lights and decorations of passing houses. How many times she had walked this way, how many years have those fairy lights been stored away in the attic and why do people feel the need to put them up year after year? It was hard not to question things now.

She was a temp again. Not even that, she’d lost her job when the first few memories trickled back. HC Clements just felt wrong. They fired her when she asked too many questions. Why was there a secret floor in that building to begin with? How high up were the connections with aliens? It was hardly a surprise that they fired her for “mental instability”. Mum wasn’t sympathetic.

Stopping outside her own house, Donna smiled a little at the picture inside, framed by the window. Mum passing Grandad some mulled wine (undoubtedly) as they admired the Christmas tree all lit up in true holiday fashion, sporting tinsel, lights and ornaments. It was a contrast to the stark cold of winter that had turned her nose red. Rudolf jokes bounced around her head, but none reached her face.

Letting herself into her home, “Donna, love, you’re home early.” Mum called. Donna dusted the snow off her coat and hair and settled in the living room, pulling a cushion up onto her lap and tucking her legs under herself silently. She didn’t mean to be so sullen, she really didn’t, her body just seemed to have its own ideas.

Grandad moved as if to say something, but stopped, his face unsure. Donna offered him a look that must have been as devoid of emotion as it felt, because he turned back away with a worried frown.

They were very quiet, the only noises being Grandads’ permanent cough and whatever awful quiz show mum had on the TV, the occasional muttering of answers, proud smiles when they were right and non committal shrugs when they were wrong. “Which mystery novel author spent 11 days missing from her..” The telly droned. Donna palmed her forehead again. At the end of the program Mum cheerily announced she’d fetch the mince pies, as she so often did. It was one of the few interactions she had with Donna anymore so she took full advantage in stuffing her full, since Donna still happened to eat everything apparently. Donna was pretty sure she’d gained a stone in mince pies and Christmas pudding and it was only the 22nd.

As soon as she left the room, Grandad leant forward, those stupid antlers still on his head as they had been since the start of December. “You okay chicken?” he asked quietly, not wanting mum to hear. Or maybe he just didn’t want to frighten Donna away.

Donna nodded automatically but under the questioning stare of her Grandad she slowed, the movement becoming a shake of the head with a small smile and tears hiding behind the surface. She looked down and picked at the threads of the cushion.

"Oh Donna.” He said, the sofa changing with his weight as he sat beside her and pushed her fringe back, watching her face as Donna refused to look up. “Is it the headache? Is it getting bad?”

Donna sniffed and wiped her eyes, denying the tears before they fell. “No, its just-“ She croaked, her throat full of a cold, “I don’t want to be here.” He wasn’t offended, he knew she didn’t mean home or Chiswick. Oddly enough, she meant Earth.

Grandad took Donnas head and tucked it user his chin, his arms around her tightly. It felt like he was trying to hold the pieces of her together, like she was still slipping between his fingers. His chest moved in jolts as he breathed and Donna would be worried, but she knew the half choked sound coming from him was what tore through his body. Donna closed her eyes and tried to forget it. Tried to be somewhere else, deep inside her head.

Her eyes drifted shut as Grandad’s breathing calmed down, the sound of him whistling carols under his breath floating around the room and the blare of the TV forgotten.

 

 

 

 

_The grating under her feet clanged as she stepped through the doors, scanning across the orange glow to find him at the console, as always, busy flicking switches and levers. The doors snapped shut behind her and Donna jumped before laughing at herself. She was safe, she always was here. “Hey.” She called out across the Tardis, walking over to the Doctors side and smiling up at his ridiculous face. It was grumpy, his mouth pursed and eyebrows scrunched together. He ignored her and pulled the screen in front of him, pressing buttons and probably doing something space high tech-y. “I’m back.” Donna grinned, her hands resting on her hips. “Where next?”_

_The Doctor paused and let his hand fall by his side. “Donna.” He muttered seriously, as if he were to chastise her._

_"Oh look, he can hear me.” Donna said sarcastically, still smiling, “TimeLord hearing and all that, you’re just being rude. I was just asking if you had anything planned.”_

_"Donna don’t-“ the Doctor said, his eyes still trained on the console._

_Donna ignored him, see how he liked it. She twisted a knob and bashed her palm against a large button. “Alright, Spaceman, I’ll help. Barcelona? The planet I mean, the one with the dogs with no noses?” Looking up, Donna saw the Doctor hadn’t moved. “No? How about somewhere like America, 1910? Oh! I know, Florana. The floors covered in perfumed flowers, the sea is warm milk, the sand is so soft and the oceans are bubbly enough to- oh right duh, you know-“_

_“Donna you can’t be here.”_

_Stopping herself short, Donna slapped the Doctor around the back of the head. He winced, but it was dramatic. She bloody knew she couldn’t be in the Tardis. She knew she wasn’t supposed to think about it. She knew this Doctor was just a clever memory but Donna didn’t care._

_"I think you’ll find this is my dream and I can do whatever i-“_

_“Your heads hurting again isn’t it?”_

_Donna frowned. Her subconscious was an interrupting cow. She knew what the headaches meant. It didn’t matter. She’d rather live like this than die alone in Chiswick._

_"You’re not alone.”_

_She bounced back sarcastically, “Yeah because mum and Grandad are such good company.” Donna immediately regretted what she she’d said and clapped a hand over her mouth. It was so disrespectful and ungrateful. When had she become so cold?_

_Donna stepped back and sat on the jump seat, her head in her hands. Her breathing was ragged and her hands pulled at her hair. It should’ve hurt, but she didn’t feel it and it was a stark reminder that the hand on her shoulder was a dream. “I had to.”_

_“I know.” Donna replied between her teeth. “Lets not talk about it-“_

_"You know wouldn’t have unless I had no other choice. If there were any other way..” He interrupted, the grip on Donna’s shoulder tightening._

_She shrugged the hand from her shoulder and stood leaning against the console with two hands. “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just go somewhere. Somewhere new and incredible. Please Doctor.” The doctor was quiet behind her. After a long second, Donna straightened up and turned to see why the Doctor was silent. He was gone._

_Alone in the Tardis Donna felt comfortable. More at home than she felt at home, which was insane. Maybe it was just the ship itself, it just felt warm. Or perhaps it was because she was at home and this was a dream. Either way, where was the real Tardis?_

_“You’re special.” He smiled from across the Tardis. New memories. Goofy smile and a blue suit._

_It didn’t matter. Donna’s head pounded as she stalked across the console room and prodded a finger in his chest, the grin melting from his face. “Then why did you leave me?!” Donna screamed, all her anger thrown into the Doctors face but he just stood still and took the brunt of it, head hung, eyes cast on the floor. “I want to stay.” She said more quietly, a lump forming in her throat. “Come back for me.” She said in a strangled whisper._

_He frowned but couldn’t meet her eyes. “Donna Noble, you can’t just-“_

_She could feel herself panicking, her breathing fucking up and her arms and hands jittering with energy. She wanted to lash out, break something and scream until her throat was raw. “I was going to be with you forever.” She said through tight teeth, her face twitching and contorting to hold back tears._

_He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, his face spoke a thousand words. She found herself speaking automatically. She wasn’t control anymore, words tumbling out of her mouth. “I can’t go back, don’t make me go back, please, don’t make me go back-“ Tears were falling freely, wet streaks across her cheeks._

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

 

 

 _"No, no, please, no-_ “no-“

“And next, on BBC Two..” the TV announced.

“ **No!”** Donna gasped, sitting up suddenly, both hands gripping her head as she struggled to gain her breath, shallow lungfuls hitching in her chest. The pain in her forehead and temples was unreal, a burning sensation that made her feel like the space behind her eyes was on fire. Choking down a laugh that morphed into a groan she pondered the irony of calling A&E.

It was her own fault anyway. If she had the balls to stop thinking about him, to stop dreaming of running away and leave her memories alone, she would be fine. She’d also be less than ordinary again for the rest of her life. Mum argued with Grandad about it when she thought Donna couldn’t hear, but mum didn’t understand what it was like to travel with the Doctor. Mum thought she was just pining after him, to Donnas distain. How many times did she have to tell people they weren’t together? Donna couldn’t even imagine liking the bean-pole of an alien that way.

Opening her eyes and glancing down for the first time, Donna realized she was crashed on the sofa alone and someone had tucked a blanket around her. Donnas mum (there was a coaster, only mum uses coasters) had left a glass of water and a packet of pills on the coffee table and she gratefully swallowed them, sending a silent thank you to her. Once again Donna felt guilty for not appreciating the old folks more.

Sitting quietly, limp against the sofa as she waited for the pills to kick in, Donna watched the Christmas tree. The lights made her squint and pain flare up in her head but she refused to close her eyes. If she dreamt like that again tonight she might not wake up. A part of her brain declared that it wouldn’t be too bad, she could die an intergalactic time traveler in her mind but a larger part drowned it out and screamed how unfair it would be to mum and grandad.

She swung her legs down onto the floor and leant forward, her hands on the sofa. Her hair fell over her shoulders as she focused on the louder voices in her head. She needed reasons to stay, needed people to want her to be here.

Glancing at the clock Donna realized mum would be asleep, but grandad would be up on his hill. Pushing her feet into her shoes and pulling her coat on, Donna left the house.

 

 

"Mum accused me of being in love with him, y'know Gramps.” Donna said, curled up in an old jumper on the picnic blanket as Grandad sat in his camping chair and pressed his eye to the small end of the microscope.

Quick to reply, Grandad asked, “Were you?”

“Of course I loved him,” she scoffed, nursing the hot chocolate in her hands as Grandad nodded. “He was my best friend.”

It was easy to talk to grandad, even when she was away on the Tardis she would call him, tell him where she’d been and what she’d seen. He had known more about Donnas time with the Doctor than she did for a while now. Donna had kind of hoped he could go with them one day. That opportunity had gone up in flames.

“Its okay to be upset about it. You went through so much together.”

She raised her eyebrows and smiled a little, lips tight together as she nodded. So much that she couldn’t remember. There was so much more they should have done. She didn’t voice her thoughts to grandad, it would have just upset him. Instead, she decided to tell him a story, the painkillers doing their thing effectively enough so Donnas head was only buzzing with the thought.

It was only a story now, the memories were too weak and full of holes, but grandad listened. “Did I ever tell you about the Vashta.. Vashta Ner.. The Vashta Nevada?”

Grandad didn’t like talking about specific memories, because of the headaches and the Doctors warning, but he smiled a little anyway, almost laughed actually, shaking his head a little. “We were in this library, this huge library. There were these things in the shadows.. They ate flesh, Gramps. Like actual space piranhas.” Donna murmured a frightened laugh. “I had to use a night light for weeks. I still..” Donna frowned, losing her train of thought. “There was a little girl watching over it, Cal..” He knew the story, Donna could see him laughing before the punch lines and reacting too early to each part. Still, it was nice of him to pretend like she wasn’t losing her mind. “I can’t remember what happened after I was.. Saved? Yeah, I was saved. Just this guy. But you know how I am, probably made up the whole thing. Sorry. I wish I could tell you the ending.”

“Don’t beat yourself up kid. I bet the ending was boring.” Grandad smiled sadly, patting her on the shoulder.

"It was never boring.” Donna sighed, pushing her hair out of her face and pulling the sleeves of her jumper over her hands.

“Alright, that’s enough pity partying.” Grandad called out a little louder than necessary. It made Donna smile. “Remember what the Do- what he said,” grandad stuttered. He never liked using the Doctors name around Donna. Didn’t want to resurface any new memories, a little pointless if you asked Donna. “There are worlds safe out there because of you.”

Yeah, well it was difficult to believe without any proof.

Her hot chocolate was cold. Grandad said she mustn’t remember, that he’d said if she remembered him for even a second, she would die. Here Donna was, breathing and everything. Wouldn’t be the first time the Doctor was wrong, but the headaches.

It was always hard to remember the end, but then again, Donna wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She lay back on the picnic mat and looked up into the dark sky. In was a fairly clear night and grandads little spot always had a nice view. Donna used to think he was insane coming up here in the middle of the night to watch stars. She saw it as a waste of time, staring down that glass lens and making notes on what he saw in the freezing cold, told him that’s why he was always ill.

Donna understood now. Understood that it was worth anything to see those stars up close. She’d gladly have the flu everyday for the infinite possibilities of what might be out there. She’d seen it, touched it, tasted it and nothing could keep her from getting it back, not a TimeLord, not a memory issue or a mental bomb.

To go back before, when it was just the two of them, travelling, Donna would give anything.

Donna looked at each fleck in the sky individually, the headache slowly burning into her as the painkillers wore off. Was he on a planet nearby, could she see it up there? Or was he on the other side of the world, the other side of the universe, millions of years into the future? She wasn’t giving up. Donna Noble would find the Doctor and travel with him again, one way or another. Trust her, she was a stubborn child and she needed her best friend.

She would say if all else failed, at least she had the memory of their time together but


End file.
